i wish my penis had a tongue
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
