What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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