And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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