So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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