He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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