you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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