my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
