wanna go halves on a baby?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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