I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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