I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
