Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
