all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
