I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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