I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
