my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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