Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
