dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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