I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
