Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
