I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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