More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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