Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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