Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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