If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
