he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
