You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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