i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
