Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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