I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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