right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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