I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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