listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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