I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
