Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
