Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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