I am spending my child support on dildos
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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