Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
