I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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