i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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