she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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