we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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