census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
