You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
