I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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