So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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