You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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