Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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