I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
