I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
