i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
