So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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