I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
