We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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