We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize