Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
