so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
