...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
