The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
