I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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