I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
