When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
