Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
