i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
