I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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